Three days away and I’m already nauseous

Did you hear the big news? No, not about Tony Parker and Eva Langoria. It’s Thanksgiving this Thursday! This is my least cynical day of the year. I love Thanksgiving. Sure, who doesn’t, except maybe vegetarians and people with a fear of giant floating balloons. But I mean I LOVE it! Always have, always will. When I wake up this Thursday I will be in heaven. The cooking will have begun, the sounds of the Macy’s Day Parade will be emanating from my TV, and I will come downstairs and greet my loving family with a huge smile that will last until the moment guests arrive.

Wait, that sounded cynical. I’m not going to be like that this year. I will allow nothing and no one to distract me from my Thanksgiving high. Unlike last year, when my brother-in-law actually dove across the table to choke me. We still have cranberry stains in the carpet. And my wife blames me! In hindsight it was actually the highlight of the day.

Oh, and two years ago our annoying neighbor was telling such a BORING story while I was trying to enjoy my marshmallow-laden sweet potatoes, that I thought to myself “Shut the @%!* up!!” But apparently I didn’t just think it, though I have no memory of standing and screaming it. And I got sweet potatoes all over his wife. They still hate us, but I’m okay with it.

This year my in-laws are visiting. They’re already here, which thrills me to no end. Don’t worry, they’re computer illiterate so I have no fear they might read this. They’re nice enough, but let me just give you a glimpse: my father-in-law and I once almost came to blows because he didn’t like the way I folded his socks. I am not kidding. I loudly dropped the F bomb not aware that my young niece was standing there. Oh well. Knowing her parents, I’m sure she’s heard that word plenty. Anyway, this year I will not instigate nor be sucked into any shenanigans (I like that word). All I’ll do is gorge on stuffing, moan as I pat my enormous stomach and go to sleep fearful of a heart attack.  I love Thanksgiving. No one better mess with that! Hey, you have a great one. I’ll tell you my post-Thanksgiving stories if you tell me yours.


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