Christian Bale? Nope. Geoffrey Rush? Nuh-uh. The Oscar goes to…ME! That’s right. And I deserve it. You should have seen my heart-breaking, powerful performance the other night when I (near tears) told my wife that I had to work this Saturday. I was so angry, cursing out my boss, yelling that I don’t get paid enough for this, and how dare he cut into my precious family time. The bastard! I mean I was almost believing me.
And here’s the thing, there was nothing big this weekend I was trying to get out of at home. By the way, for you amateurs, you never try this when there is something big you don’t want to go. It’s transparent and your desperation not to go always comes through. I learned the hard way. Tried it once. I so didn’t want to go to my wife’s brother’s birthday party. We don’t get along. I hate him. That’s why I call him my wife’s brother. I’ll never call him my brother-in-law. That implies something I don’t feel.
I’m not a violent man. In fact, when it comes to fighting, I’m kind of a wuss. But everytime my wife’s brother and I get together it leads to actual punching. Punching! At my age. He usually gets the better of me, but last time I caught him with one. Ooooooh, it felt so good. Until he rebounded and kicked my ass. But I’m getting off topic.
My wife actually felt bad for me that I had to work today. Believe me, that’s an accomplishment. Do I feel guilty for lying? I suppose a little. But no one gets hurt here. And I get a rare break from the weekend craziness at home. I don’t disappoint or get yelled at by either kid, and I don’t get angry at my son for asking an insanely unintelligent question (I don’t want to say “stupid”) like, “Where should I throw this out?” or “Oh, you were watching that?”
Plus, I’m not really lying. I am at work. But my boss didn’t ask me to be here. I’m just enjoying the sanctuary. Though I’m not alone. A lot of other dads are here. We all give each other the knowing eye, but we don’t speak of it. But let’s just say there’s a lot of smiling going on.