Bad Roll Model…yes, I said roll, not role. Just read…

Well, yesterday was the monthly lunch with my co-workers. There are seven of us and we kind of keep it a secret mostly because we don’t want Fred to find out. If you knew Fred you’d understand. Everyone has a Fred in their lives. All of us Secret Lunchers are parents, except for young Billy. And after hearing us go on and on about the “joys” of parenthood I’ll be surprised if Billy will even risk having sex again. We’re horrible. Not horrible parents, just horrible in our retelling of parenting stories. I should tape record it one day and play it back for all of us. Probably wouldn’t change a thing.

I like these co-workers of mine. They’re all nice. Not anyone I’d want to socialize with, but that list is getting smaller and smaller everyday anyway. What I truly love about having lunch with this crew is my discovery that their kids are so much worse than mine. I know, hard to believe, right? I’m telling you, I get a warm, cozy feeling everytime I hear them tell a story about how their kid called them a name, or flipped them the bird, or took the car in spite of the parent saying no and even taking the keys. The smart, bratty kid made a spare set without them knowing. I hate him, but I respect him.

See, my kids, though I complain a lot about them, are deep down — I mean DEEP DOWN — good kids. My wife and I did a pretty good job raising them, in spite of the fact that we probably don’t care enough. About parenting, I mean. We love the kids. Certainly enough that when it’s time for them to put us away, they’ll plant us in a half-way crappy retirement home instead of one run by Satan. And that’s all I can ask for.

So while I enjoy the warm roll with butter, the french dip and fries, and the camaraderie of these lunches, what I truly enjoy is knowing my lot in life isn’t as bad as these parents’. I still don’t want to go home, but when I do, I’m glad it’s my home and not one of these shlubs’ homes. By the way, I’m writing this from my closet so my family doesn’t even know I’m home. Hear that, Billy?

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4 Responses to Bad Roll Model…yes, I said roll, not role. Just read…

  1. Soon To Be Parent says:

    I have been reading your blogs for months now, and this is the first one that finally has me contributing with a thought or two.
    First off I don’t believe a word you write.
    I have a vivid picture of you, and I’m sure it is dead on accurate.
    6’0″ slender and nice looking. Not any Hollywood hottie, but in the day you had the ladies on a string. Today, you still attract a fair share of attention with the opposite sex.
    In addition to your better than average looks, you have the perfect family.
    I’m guessing one of each. Your daughter can do no wrong, your son is well on his way to mastering the art of keeping ladies on a string (real chip off the old block).
    Mrs I-Want-My-Weekends-Back is patient, loving, a textbook mother and wife.

    How do I know this?
    Because I don’t believe a word of your rants.
    My guess is, this blog is a weird. deep rooted, need to unnecessarily feel less than perfect. Not sure if you feel guilty about how amazing your life is, or if your blog is just some kind of bizarre social experiment.

    That or you think PRETENDING to be overly burdened in life is in vogue.

    If so, I Don’t buy it.
    I have to believe you and your family are modern day Huxtables.
    No doubt the happiest family in your neighborhood.

    On that note, I have to get back to reading my new favorite book.
    “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”
    Last trimester.
    Sooooo excited to be a parent.
    Thank you for your silly yet inspiring portrait of modern day family life that you post every week.
    Your wit actually comforts me, at a time when I should probably be scared to death as my husband and I are just a few weeks away from enjoying the same joys of parenthood you fictionalize in this funny blog of yours.

  2. Soon To Be Parent says:

    I think the baby just kicked me.
    That or YOU DID.
    Or was it gas? My guess is you know a thing or two about that subject as well.
    Look forward to your next blog (I think)

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