So, I’m sure most of you have heard about this hilarious “children’s” book called “Go the F*** to Sleep.” Very clever, very funny. And even better, there’s a YouTube video of it being read by Samuel L. Jackson. Perfect choice, although in hind sight James Earl Jones might have been funnier, just because we don’t think of him cursing. Samuel Jackson was in “Pulp Fiction,” for crying out loud. But still he is great. Here’s a link. Just make sure you come back and finish reading this, okay? It’s the least you can do.
Anyway, the author, his name is Adam Mansbach, is a father of a two-year-old girl. And I just want to say to him, “You’re already saying ‘Go the F to Sleep?!’ Your kid is two, Pal! It’s only going to get worse. Armageddon worse!”
Listen, when my daughter was two, I was still in parent heaven. Actually liked being with her and reading to her. I don’t think the F word crossed my mind once when I was with her. Now it always does, but that’s my point. I earned this feeling. This guy is in for a rude awakening.
I know, I know. He wrote it for fun. He wrote it for adults, not for his kid. But something prompted it. It could have been that early feeling of trepidation that all us parents get when we envision what will happen when our cute little baby grows up. Well, I’ve been trying to tell all of you what happens. And it ain’t pretty.
I don’t remember what age it all changed. My daughter was an early bloomer, so it might have been ten, or even five. And many a time over the years I’ve had the thought “Go the F*** to bed!” Especially when “The Sopranos” was still on. So I guess I could have written the book if I was smarter and not so lazy. I also could have written these books: “Shut the F*** Up!” or “Leave Me the F*** Alone!” or “What the F*** Did I Do to You?!” or “Who the F*** Are You?!” or “Why Are You Rolling Your F-ing Eyes at Me Like That?”
I could have written an entire series, and be a billionaire. Like this guy is going to be. Instead, I just live in constant fear of unexpected encounters with my “moody doesn’t come close to describing it” daughter. So, Mr. Mansbach, keep writing. But you may want to get an office away from home. Because, trust me, there will come a time when you will want to get away from your “cute” daughter and the rest of the family. There will come a time when, like me, you will count the hours until you can escape to your office. And once you’re there you will sigh and exclaim, “Thank god it’s F-ing Monday!!”