Wow, that was some nap!

Okay, I know this will sound like a kid’s excuse for forgetting his homework, but I just forgot to blog. For four months! Yes, I’ve been busy, but I should have taken the time to blog. Not for you, for Me!!! I didn’t realize what an outlet it was. That’s like four months without one bitch, moan, or whine! Sure, I complained about my family to my co-workers, and about my co-workers to my family. But none of them cared about the other, nor about my misery, so it was wasted breath. That means I have four months of unbelievable crap to catch you up on, so are you ready? Here goes…

I’m kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you. It was bad enough I had to live through it, why would I make you hear about it? And why would I want to relive it? Why would I want to relive my daughter not talking to me for a week? I know that sounds like a dream come true, but when you live in the same house and every time you walk by her she assaults you with quietly intense hatred it’s not a pleasant thing.

Why would I want to relive the month long (yes, MONTH) scare that my mother-in-law was going to move out here. Near us! I’m sure you can imagine the nightmare scenarios that went through my head. I couldn’t make those countless, sound arguments against her moving out here because everyone would have seen through that ruse. So using every ounce of restraint I had, I would say nothing other than, “Oh, that would be nice,” or “Really? Well, your sister’s had to deal with her for years, so I guess it’s our turn, right, Honey?” Then I would go to the bathroom and throw up. I did lose a lot of weight that month. Needless to say, the gods smiled down on me. My mother-in-law is staying put. She is coming for a visit, but knowing she won’t be staying permanently makes me dread that visit a hair less than normal. I’m still dreading it. I’m not insane!

And why would I want to relive having to drive three hours for an overnight basketball tournament where not only did my son only play four minutes and 43 seconds (who’s counting), but I had to hang with, I would have to say, the world’s most BORING parents! For an entire weekend. There is one dad who I actually like. We are simpatico. I actually grab an occasional drink with him even when basketball season is over (which is about one week of the year). Yeah, this dad would be my saving grace on this trip. He didn’t come. His wife came. I hate his wife.

So, anyway, I won’t bore you with what happened to me these past four months. That would be cruel. This is just a short, “Hi, I’m back.”  So…hi. I’m back. And you’ll be hearing a lot more from me. Here’s a little glimpse into the future: next weekend, we’re going to a wedding of a buddy of mine. It’s his second. His first was to my wife’s best friend, whom he cheated on and left, and who has asked my wife to pour some mysterious liquid into his beer. My buddy’s brother and me got into a fist fight at a barbecue this summer. He’s a dick. And my buddy’s soon-to-be new wife is, I think, 12! Oh, it’s going to be a fun event. I actually look forward to writing about it. By the way, I am writing this from my closet. Yes, I am hiding from my family. A coward, yes. But a happy one. For the moment. Is it Monday yet? Oh no! The vacuum just fell. Please don’t have heard it, please don’t have heard it…

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5 Responses to Wow, that was some nap!

  1. offthe23 says:

    You are a brave man. I hope you don’t share this with your “friends and family!”

    • Not as brave as you think. No way do they know I write this. If they did, hoo boy! The only thing I’m sure of is that my mother-in-law will NEVER read my blog. She can’t even turn on a computer. If only she could unlearn how to dial a phone!

  2. Get a Job says:

    You’re back. Bitter than ever. Now get back to work (I’m sure you could use the vacation).

  3. Sharon says:

    Jeff — this is really funny stuff! (but also sad)

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