…are all interesting topics. But you don’t need me for that stuff. That’s what Google, the Huffington Post, and my Aunt Merle are for. I know it’s been a while, but today I am here to talk about…my mother-in-law! Yes, again. You already know that she once tried to stab my father-in-law with a fork, that she turned me into a monster the day she made fettuccine and meatballs when I was anticipating spaghetti and meatballs, and that when she visits us, no matter how early I come down in the morning for my private cup of coffee she is there.
Well, turns out my mother-in-law is moving. Where you might ask? Who cares! All that matters is that it is NOT here!! Don’t get me wrong. She is a sweet old lady. But who the heck wants a sweet old lady living with them! That’s going to happen to me soon enough! Just kidding, honey. You won’t be sweet. Kidding again! Sheesh! Where have people’s senses of humor gone, huh?
So how does this impact me? Well, when we go back east to visit, I always stay at my in-laws’ house because my sister-in-law has cats and I am allergic. And in spite of all the former (my father-in-law is sadly no longer with us) yelling, stab-attempting, and 7:00am cursing, it was always worth it because their house had five levels and I could always find a place to hide. But now my mother-in-law is moving into a small, one-level, no hiding place ANYWHERE townhouse. And she’s already informed me that she has a sleepaway couch all ready for me when I visit. Lucky me.
My wife thinks it’s so cute that her mom is thinking of me. But I suspect it’s revenge. I haven’t been the nicest or overly tolerant guy with my mother-in-law over the years (refer back to the fettuccine and meatballs incident). So I have to imagine my mother-in-law would like to get even. And what better way than sentencing me to stay with her in what is basically a one-room prison cell?!
So for self-preservation purposes I’ve been lamenting about our finances and the price of gas in hopes my wife would say, “You know what, we better not fly back east this year.” But she’s not having any of that. As always, she sees through all my ruses. Especially my weak attempt of “Hey, why don’t just you and the kids go. I’ll be fine.” Fine? I’d be ecstatic! And I doubt revenge is far from my wife’s mind, as well. I haven’t been the nicest or overly tolerant husband over the years (refer back to ALL my previous posts). So we are probably going to spend the $3,000 to fly back east where I will be forced to sleep on a back-ruining sleeper couch, while listening to my mother-in-law SCREAM my name from two feet away. Oh boy. Only 69 more shopping days until HELL!!!